Self-love, though often discussed, is rarely understood in its depth. As adults, the way we develop self-love is deeply influenced by the environment in which we were raised. Some are fortunate to have parents who mirror self-love through their actions, showing how prioritizing personal well-being creates a life of abundance and balance. Others may have parents who poured love into them directly—affirming their worth, respecting their feelings, and meeting their needs with care and compassion. This nurtures a foundation for strong, self-rooted individuals who grow into adults capable of loving themselves.

But what happens when this foundation is absent?

For me, the absence of this critical piece led to years of misplaced priorities. My mother, while deeply devoted to God and others, skipped the essential step of loving herself. Her life revolved around pleasing my father, the church, and society. She poured out endlessly but rarely poured inward. Watching this, I internalized the belief that pleasing others was the key to a fulfilling life.

Yet, this mindset wasn’t fulfillment—it was avoidance. Pleasing others became a way to escape sitting with oneself, a distraction from dealing with painful emotions or unmet needs. My mother’s busyness was a way to cope, and unknowingly, I carried the same pattern into my life.

It wasn’t until I realized that self-love is foundational—not optional—that I began to heal. True self-love isn’t selfish. It is the ability to sit with yourself, even when it’s uncomfortable. It’s about acknowledging and regulating your feelings, nurturing yourself holistically, and building boundaries that protect your well-being. Without self-love, the love you give to others is incomplete—it comes from a place of depletion, not abundance.

This was the lesson my mother’s life taught me: skipping the step of loving yourself doesn’t serve you or anyone else. While she loved God deeply and sought to serve others, she missed the bridge between the two—loving herself.

Loving yourself requires stillness, time alone with God, and the courage to face your emotions. It’s about recognizing that love isn’t outside of you but within you. When you nurture this inner love, you gain the capacity to love others genuinely.

So, if you’re struggling to love others or to feel loved, start here: love yourself first. Because you cannot pour from an empty cup, and the greatest gift you can give to others is a heart that’s whole.