There’s so much I need to say to you, and it comes from the deepest part of my heart. I want you to know how sorry I am—truly, deeply sorry. As you were growing up, I failed you in ways that I now realize have impacted your life more than I could have imagined.

I’m sorry that I didn’t love you the way you deserved to be loved. I’m sorry for the times I compared you to your brother and sister, for the harsh words, and for the way I played you against each other. I can only ask for your forgiveness, for I didn’t know what I was doing. I didn’t understand that my failure to hold you, to affirm you, to kiss you goodnight would affect your ability to feel confident and loved as an adult.

Please forgive me, my son. I forgot that you were just a child with needs, and I failed to fulfill them. I see now that my neglect pushed you to seek love and validation in places and people that may not have been right for you. I made my own needs and insecurities a priority over yours I am so deeply sorry for abandoning you causing you to abandon yourself and others every time.

You needed love but love was painful for you as a child. Your father and I, failed at loving each other and failed loving all of you. Now you have difficulty getting close to anyone, are fearful and lack trust.

I know I asked too much of you as a child, making you do things no child should have to do and sending you to places where you should never have gone, I failed to protect you from the harsh realities of the world when you needed my shield the most. I was selfish, self-centered, and too absorbed in my own pain to see yours. I’m sorry for those moments when I wasn’t there for you, when I didn’t tell you how precious you were to me.

Looking back, I realize that I should have spent more time loving myself and cherishing the incredible gift that God gave me in you. Instead, I was focused on seeking love from your father, love that I didn’t find, and in doing so, I neglected to show you the love you deserved.

I am sorry I did not give you the peaceful, loving stable home you wanted, but instead you witnessed ugly fights and chaos growing up, creating intense insecurity in you.

I’m sorry that your father and I both failed to be good role models and show you how to communicate lovingly. I am sorry that I was not patient enough with your father in creating the right environment for your father stay on..

My dear son, I’m sorry I didn’t tell you how wonderful you are. I’m sorry that I didn’t make it clear every single day how much I love you. I know I broke your heart, and I know that you’ve struggled with love ever since. I was supposed to be your first teacher in love, and I failed you.

You are worthy of love. I’m sorry that I caused your heart to shut tight but don’t let what I did to you cause you to not experience something that you deserve. I am not worth you not believing in love.

All I ever wanted for you as a mother was to see you happy, unfortunately the manner how I communicated it , was dysfunctional , broken fragmented and messy like the way I was.

But I need you to know this: You are loved. You are worthy of love, and you deserve to feel it in every part of your being. Please, find it in your heart to forgive me.

The truth is, I am always with you even though I am no longer with you. You are a part of me, and I love you.. love me please.

Your first love.
Ma