Have you ever noticed those around you who seem to have a dullness in their eyes, lacking joy and spontaneity? They live rigidly, with every moment planned and timed, unable to simply be in the present. Often, these individuals appear successful, efficient, and even pillars of society. Yet beneath this facade lies deep unhappiness, stress, feelings of never being good enough all rooted in a need for severe control.

Controlling people are often perfectionists, incredibly hard on themselves, and equally tough on those around them. It’s not about values, rather its based on a self defeating belief system that their way of thinking and doing things is the only right way.

I confess, I have at times been controlling and hard on myself too and others. This behavior often stems from childhood.

Children need love, acceptance, respect, and empowerment. Parents should fill a child with unconditional love , not drain them.

Unfortunately, in some families, parents impose unrealistic expectations on children for their emotional gratification or physical support. My mother, for instance, made me responsible for her happiness, and was visibly upset if I didn’t please her.

When love is conditional, children strive for perfection to gain acceptance. Growing up in emotionally impoverished homes, these children become insecure, manifesting into anxious or avoidant behavior patterns later in life.

Anxious adults often are extremely needy, seeking love and happiness from others. They can’t self-soothe and frequently beg for love or seek approval and attention from others. On the other hand, avoidant individuals become introverts, loners, self-sufficient, and detached. They learn to self-soothe because they believe no one will meet their needs, leading to superficial, transactional relationships in adulthood. For them, love is a source of pain, giving and receiving love feels burdensome.

There is deep pain in such a individuals. It comes across in the way they hurt others by their cold mannerisms. You actually have to feel sorry for them. They should be treated with understanding and empathy.

Controlling behaviours and hyper vigilance come from chaotic childhoods. To survive the unbearable imbalance in our environments, we learn to over think, over analyse, and over protect ourself to avoid hurt, rejection, humiliation, or abandonment.

One hallmark of a controlling person is their erratic sleep patterns, mainly due to an overactive mind. “Busyness” is another manifestation controlling behaviour so that we do not “feel” the deep seated pain and frustrations within.

But there’s hope. Recognizing these patterns is the first step toward change. By understanding the roots of our controlling behaviors, we can start to let go, embrace imperfection, and allow joy and spontaneity back into our lives. We can learn to live in the moment, free from the chains of control, and find true happiness.