Deep within each of us lies a profound desire to bond with another through giving love and receive it. However, the success of our relationships is often influenced by our attachment styles: avoidant, anxious, or secure. Today, let’s focus on the avoidant attachment style, which can be a significant barrier to forming deep, meaningful connections.

Avoidant attachment manifests when we struggle to get close to others, especially when everything seems to be going well. At the peak of happiness, avoidants often feel compelled to pull away, walk away and even sabotage the relationship. This reaction is triggered by feelings of engulfment and overwhelm. In such moments, avoidants typically resort to running away and self-soothing through work, other relationships, alcohol, or any form of addiction to numb these uncomfortable feelings.

The root cause of avoidant attachment often lies in childhood trauma. Growing up in environments where caregivers were unsafe, unstable, or unreliable teaches us to become overly self-sufficient and independent. These learned behaviors, while useful in childhood, become barriers in adulthood, preventing us from forming authentic relationships. The extreme self-sufficiency becomes a wall that keeps others at a distance, hindering true intimacy.

When triggered, avoidants often feel layers of overwhelming emotions. Beneath the surface feelings of being overwhelmed lie deeper feelings of not being good enough, feeling unloved, unwanted, and a fear of abandonment and rejection. These emotions stem from the fear that, just like their caregivers, their partner will eventually leave or reject them. So they leave before you leave.

Healing avoidant attachment begins when we choose not to run away from ourselves. Instead, we must stay with these feelings long enough to delve into their origins and root causes. Understanding that these feelings are tied to past experiences, not the current partner or relationship, is crucial. These insecurities, born from insecure attachment, need to be addressed to prevent them from wreaking havoc in our relationships.

The process of healing is painful, but it is necessary. By confronting the darkness within our psyche and shining light on these deep-seated fears, we can transform them. The first step is to express what we feel to someone we trust and who loves us. Avoiding this expression only perpetuates cycles of despair and hopelessness.

Dear avoidant, love yourself enough to stop running from your feelings. Express your emotions to someone who truly cares. This is the beginning of self-healing. As you grow more secure within yourself, you will be able to offer that security to others in your relationships. The journey to secure attachment starts with self-awareness and courage to face your inner darkness. Only then can you break free from the cycles of fear and build lasting, fulfilling connections.